Noah Cole Hill: Full Interview

TRANSCRIPT

Noah Hill
Interviewed by Alva and Yanjun
5th October 2018

NH: I’m Noah Hill, pronouns he/him/his. I was born 18th of March 1989, and I live in Hebden Bridge, West Yorkshire.

A: Can you share what you want to talk to us and things you want to share with us?

NH: I’d like to talk about my experiences as a, a… a gay and trans person. I feel that I’ve come through quite a lot, and [long pause] specifically because of that, it’s affected my life quite a lot. It’s affected… my relationships with other people, and my family. [Long pause] I… [long pause] For some reason feel that it’s important for me to share my experience because I feel it’s… there should be more awareness on trans and gay stories, and I sort of think it’s necessary to… listen to, to people about their experiences of being gay and trans, and… [long pause] see how you can offer better support. I think support has improved, but… it could always get better… yeah.

A: We can start with your identity. Could you share about, about being bisexual and being gay and…?

NH: Yeah… so… I first came out as lesbian, and then bisexual, and then I came out as trans, and then, and then I came out as a gay man after being trans – after coming out as being trans, and then came out as a pansexual gay man. So my sexual identity has gone through a lot of evolving, and I’m happy for it to evolve more in the future if it wants to. That’s fine! [Laughs] I definitely feel very attached to my queer identity, I wouldn’t want to let go of it, so it would, I think it would be a challenge to be straight, but you know, if that happens it happens, but… I don’t see it happening to be honest! [Laughs]…Yeah, it’s, it’s very important to me, because I feel… like it’s my whole life, my queer identity. I feel it’s a big part of me personally… and it’s a connection to my, my community, the gay and trans community.

A: You first came out actually in high school, but you came to realise you were different at a very young age.

NH: Yeah, I came out in high school sexuality-wise, and I came out… as, as trans in university, a lot later on. But… my, my experience in high school was that I was just – I just was. I was the only out person… but not really because I came out and declared my gayness, but because I didn’t hide it more, more really. It was a fact that I just talked about my partners, and – as freely as I would anything else, as anyone else would. And I got… noticed by one person who said something positive, they… said that I was brave and that they was quite impressed that I was out, and, and they thought it was a good thing, and then that’s really nice thinking about it, looking back, but at the time I didn’t think much about it, I thought, oh, well, I’m just doing me, I’m just doing my thing, so… I didn’t really understand why they would make that comment, but it is lovely that that person was showing support so young as well, as well as me being out so young.

A: So was it actually encouraged when they are saying something positive?

NH: I didn’t get any encouragement… I mean, I, I was quite different from everyone, sexuality aside, but… I did feel very othered. I didn’t have much support until I joined a gay youth group locally, and I felt – I think my mum noticed I was very, very unhappy, and she couldn’t help me ‘cause it was beyond her capability of helping – is, I think she actually said that as well, so she’s, she directed me to this group where they could potentially help me, or I could talk about the things that was going on. So that happened and I think that was, that was… erm, crucial to me as a teenager at the time, ‘cause I can imagine me going off the rails or going… getting really bad with depression if it wasn’t for being referred to, being directed towards, this youth group, LGBT youth group. [Long pause] Yeah.

[Long pause]

NH: I can’t think of any other experiences in high school. [Long pause]

I remember having… partners and it – and their parents would always have issues with me. It wasn’t… easy in that way, having relationships as a teenager… because it was – I don’t think you was very much welcomed into the family if you were dating their, their child, because of the gay thing, they wasn’t happy about that, so… [long pause]. I’m just trying to think of anything else.

A: So some years ago you saw that you were trans?

NH: What subject are we under again? Identity or experience or? [Long pause] Shall I just talk about coming out as trans?

A: Yes

NH: So… I came out at university. I [long pause] was – I think, my opinion, I was the age where I felt that it was… OK enough and I would be able to survive and I’d be able to deal with it emotionally and socially, with changing my name and expect – you know, requiring people to, to not call me the wrong gender and stuff, and that’s a, that’s a difficult thing to stand up for yourself as, so I think that university was the time where I was strong enough to do that, where I was – where I wouldn’t have been before, because I would have had all my support system removed at a very young age and I wouldn’t have survived. So… so yeah, so I came out then by, by changing name by deed poll, so that was officially legal. And I also sent a message on Facebook to everybody so I didn’t have to talk to everyone individually, that would be exhausting, I was just – explaining the change and that I require these name and pronouns… and just, Facebook was awesome for that ‘cause I could just – even all the old people in my life, that I don’t really see anymore but are from this town, you know, the town that I’m in now, I could tell everyone and get gendered right without having to, to deal with as much stress because of that. Social media really helped that way.

[Long pause]

A: What was the reaction around that? [Unclear]

NH: The reaction was… generally good, I think people don’t want to be too rude or upset you, if they’re, you know, if they’re nice... but it got worse [laughs] after a while, like, there was the first coming out and like, there are the pronouns, and then… then it was – then I was living in the world as a trans person who people could tell was trans, so that – in, in a, in a way makes me stand out and people – so, they see me as female and I correct people that would be like – there’s backlash or there’s disagreement of my existence and a debate on my existence, and it’s like… that’s not a debate, but… the – you could – it was, it was very serious, definitely worse than, than, worse than being gay, definitely. Absolutely, it’s, it was, it was really difficult to… correct people, and deal with people’s… negative things that they would, that they would say, if they found out I was trans, or… [long pause] I can’t really think… [long pause] back… I think a, a lot of the negative stuff I’ve blocked out and I just try to think positive, but…

[Long pause]

My parents first reacted well, but then, but then it went downhill. And I’ve been build, I’ve been building my relationship back up with them, or trying to. And then my mum, I found out that my mum’s got cancer, she’s terminally ill with cancer. So that’s… kicked up all the, all the stuff that she – all our problems… are, are kind of intensified at this moment, in the, in the short time that she’s got left. [Long pause] I, I kind of did think this, I thought I need to sort out my relationship with my mum, but I can’t really do anything about her… her… issues with me being trans. Like, I can’t be anything other than myself, and I should be accepted for that. But I’ve been trying to work on, you know, work on my relationship with her, but it does – it has affected it really severely, and her reaction to me being trans is… blown, blown our relationship out of the water completely.

[Long pause]

A: [Unclear] It took someone to support you exactly when [unclear]

NH: What, sorry?

A: Was, was... you to [unclear] the support from the roommates actually, is that the [unclear]

NH: Oh yeah, I do, I do get support now, because I’ve found it, I’ve gone out and found the support groups, and… people who are going through the same thing, and a community… mostly through the internet and through going, attending, attending the groups and meeting people. But, through one of the Facebook groups called Homes for Queers, I found my current landlady, who is queer herself, and her partner – and their family are very open-minded about gender and sexuality. And they, they, you know, they posted on there because they preferred to have a tenant that was LGBTQ+. So I feel, and I feel very supported by… them, and… welcomed, and just… I can get, I can go about my daily life and be a normal person… and I accept them, they accept me. There’s a, and there’s, in this town in general there’s a lot of people like that, and there’s a lot of gay people and there’s quite a few trans people, older trans people {long pause] And it’s got a better vibe, and it’s, it feels safer, because I’ve had street harassment and issues in the past in cities and other places, but Hebden Bridge has been… the – my personally, the best place to, to walk the streets as trans and feel safe. Yeah.

[Long pause]

Y: [Unclear]

NH: My surgery? Yeah, so, I… [long pause]. As part of my transition I felt that necessary, so I, I, I sought out getting referred to the gender clinic, and then… got my – got the testosterone after a few appointments, and then got the go-ahead for surgery, and… it, it just feels normal, like the way it should have been, the way it should be. I mean, it was quite stressful when I went down for my surgery ‘cause I was with a half-supporting, half-nonaccepting… family member, so it was really stressful, but I enjoyed it the best I could to say that she’s – stressful, the most stressful person ever. [Long pause] And I’m, I’m looking forward to losing the weight that I’ve put on since surgery ‘cause I feel like my dysphoria is amplified by my belly and the weight that I’ve put on, so I feel a bit like I can’t enjoy my lovely top surgery a year later, after having it, because I’ve put on the weight, so I’m, I’m looking forward to getting rid of the weight and just… loving my, my own body more, and… enjoying it, and just coming to terms with – that I am allowed to be happy, and I’m allowed to enjoy my body now. You go through – as well as the physical change I’ve gone through, the mental change of, I don’t have to fight as much now, I went through the fight of getting referred and getting the help that I needed… and getting the testosterone and top surgery was very important, and after that, it was just really nice to give up the fight to be honest, and not have to fight for my – for the help that I needed, and wait a long long time before I was able to get the treatment that I wanted and was asking for. So that was lovely, to not, not feel constantly in attack mode, like I’m being attacked or in fight mode.

[Long pause] Yeah.

[Long pause]

Y: What’s your favourite Pride?

NH: My favourite Pride?

Y: Yeah

NH: Is, well [long pause] Hebden Bridge, because I, I’m really happy – it means more to me because it’s near my – the local town where I was brought, where I grew up and went to school, so it’s interesting to see somewhere – a small town locally to that that has progressed and, and gained, be visible, in this place specifically. [Long pause] I think it’s my favourite Pride because [long pause] You get to talk to people and, and… see [long pause] the different things that they’ve got going on at Pride, like… the young people from my old high school that were playing their music and speaking onstage, and, to, to, to go from… me as a – in this, in exactly the same high school being the only out person and there not being any support, any LGBT groups or alliances, alliance groups or anything… and just everyone who, who was… feeling gay but was, was hiding it, and – but now, to go to Hebden Pride and see them onstage talking about being gay in, in high school, and the different things that’re offered to the students now… that, that’s important to me, that’s everything, it’s, it’s not just a Gay Pride, it’s not just gay pride, it’s… it’s necessary for me to see that and see these people and talk to people… as part of being able to cope with being gay and trans in this society, I need to make that link with my community, and Gay Pride really does provide that for me I think, and specifically Hebden Pride because I, I know a lot of people here, but also they have a lot of good events that… really show that, that link with… the support that’s available in the community and what, what’s going on regards to your… support, and your rights and stuff, and that you’re not alone. [Long pause] It was also really nice to see… people standing by trans people. There was one performer who was getting some backlash from some anti-trans people, and… people wore ‘stand by your trans’ t-shirts and stood by their trans person and they was very supportive, and it was, that was important to see, that people don’t keep quiet and they’re happy to stand in allyship with trans people. [Long pause]. And it’s one thing… knowing things on paper or hearing about things, it’s a different thing when you actually see, see that support in, in real life, it’s, it’s really important, and it means more to me. [Long pause]. [Unclear].

Y: [Unclear] We can talk about [Long pause] your appearance [Unclear] It is quite interesting [laughs] I know you’re really different, you’re special and…[long pause]

NH: My appearance is… very different, it’s not just my… sexuality that – my transness that makes me stand out, I’ve got a very different appearance, I’ve got body modifications, I’ve got a big labret in my, in my lip, a big large labret piercing, and, and holes in my ears, and tattoos… Oh, well, I actually know the guy, a popular trans Youtuber called Chase Ross who’s done his sociology thesis on trans men and tattoos and… tattoos and trans men. So, the… I’ve, I’ve had a think about the link between – sorry, I do actually think it can be linked. For me, it’s… it’s just, I’ve, something I’ve always done. I, I don’t… I don’t really like to listen to other people [laughs] when they tell me what to do with my body, so that can be quite similar to my sexuality, like I don’t… listen to people, other people, telling me not to be a man and not to be gay, and I don’t listen to people when they tell me that you should look a certain way, so I like to express myself and look pretty, do my hair nice in a Mohawk, and… and just express myself, and I think it’s important to – for me to be able to do that, definitely.

[END]